Holidays used to be super hard for me.
I used them as an excuse to not give a shit about myself.
I just decided not to care about overeating.
Normal to eat too much. Normal to eat dessert for breakfast. Normal to keep eating all day when I didn’t feel hungry once because I didn’t give myself a chance to.
I said, it’s okay, it’s bulking season.
And then the overeating binge lasted for days.
God forbid I leave any cookies uneaten.
God forbid I say no to someone offering me something they made.
I wanted to people please. I wanted to numb my emotions. I wanted to distract myself from feeling any signs of being uncomfortable.
I wanted to escape.
It’s not even about food. It’s not about overeating.
It’s about the feelings we are left with when we don’t overeat.
That’s when it’s uncomfortable.
There are so many urges.
Our brains think that Christmas cookies are extremely important.
We learn from a young age that some things are only special and once a year and therefore we just always eat the special thing.
Because they said to?
What if this year, instead of eating pasta and garlic bread (my family’s Christmas dinner), you brought chicken, rice, and veggies.
Because that’s what you truly wanted to eat.
And your family asked all kinds of questions.
Not just about your diet, and how they think you’re getting to skinny, and about your ex-boyfriend.
You know, that’s what families do.
And maybe you felt uncomfortable.
And that was okay.
And then the discomfort went away.
And you got pleasure from watching everyone open the awesome gifts you got them.
Or from telling them how much you love and appreciate them.
What if you were okay with feeling anything, good or bad?
That’s my plan this Christmas.
It’s my first Christmas where I will be eating out of a tupperware and saying no to every one of my grandma’s Christmas cookies.
Because I truly want to.
Because this year, I have a big goal, and that goal is going to bring me much more pleasure than a cookie ever could.
How do you want your Christmas to be this year?
It can be however you want.
It won’t be perfect or uncomfortable.
That’s just how family holidays are – very imperfect, and usually uncomfortable.
What if you could just feel all of those feelings and not need anything to distract yourself from them?
Maybe everything would totally change.
Merry Christmas and lots of love.